


Hold Me

by millie_writes



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Eddie Diaz, Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Platonic Cuddling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:14:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24223366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/millie_writes/pseuds/millie_writes
Summary: Buck is tired of always having to go to all these nights out with the team. He’s tired of all the flirting he has to do just because that’s what is expected of him. After all, if he’s too quiet, then something must be wrong with him, because why wouldn’t Buck flirt with all the girls. He’s tired of having to keep up a facade that makes him look like an asshole, just because he’s too stupid to stop being afraid of a memory. He wants to stop, but every time he tries, he hears his voice, repeating the same thing over and over."You need to man up, son. We don’t settle for any woman, we use them for our own pleasure and go to the next one. Buckleys don’t fall in love, so you better not disappoint me", his father used to say.What if, just for once in his life, Buck wants to have a strong pair of arms holding him through the night, without any other expectation than sleep. Would it be so bad?
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Henrietta "Hen" Wilson/Karen Wilson, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 120





	Hold Me

**Author's Note:**

> So, I know Buck is shown as a character who likes sex a lot, but is almost never in a relationship (especially in season one), and there’s nothing wrong with that, but I just had a thought of, what if he acts this way because he grew up with a not so great father that taught him like that. In my head, I see Buck as a super sweet guy who treats everyone he sleeps with very nicely, so I’m not trying to represent him as someone who doesn’t care. I just wanted a fluffy story about him and Eddie that didn’t involve sex, and maybe also write him with a different personality than in the show, because I didn’t really like to sex addict storyline they threw at us in the first season like it was a joke…
> 
> _** Also, since we don’t actually know anything about Buck’s parents, I chose to represent his father as a misogynistic asshole who uses women like they are objects for the sake of the plot. Just know, however, **that women, and men for that matter, are people and should never be used for personal purposes.** ** _
> 
>   
> 
> 
> •••••

Evan is six the first time he talks to his dad about a girl in his class that he really likes. She has blonde hair, big green eyes, and she gave him a hug during lunch when he started missing his sister. She’s the first friend he’s even made by himself, and that’s why he’s so proud to tell his father when he comes back from school that day. 

He can see Maddie’s face change and become sad the more he talks, but he doesn’t understand why, because isn’t it suppose to be a good thing to make friends in school? He’s still not sure why she’s sad when his dad sits him down at the dinner table and start talking:

“Now, I want you to listen to me, son. This girl is just trying to manipulate you with her affection. Don’t make the same mistake I did with your mother.” At the mention of his mom, Evan feels a spark of hope in his chest, redressing in his seat, because it’s so rare that he hears about her. His dad, however, continues without acknowledging his reaction. “Girls are not your friends, so I don’t want to hear you say anything this silly again, you understand? Tomorrow, you’ll go to school and you won’t talk to her. Find some boys to play with and make me proud, son.”

Evan is too young to know what all of this means, and if he would just look up at Maddie, eyes watering because of their father’s words, maybe he would’ve understood that it wasn’t good things, but he doesn’t look at her. He keeps his eyes on his dad, his hero, and nods his head, because it must be true if he said it.

The day after, he goes back to school, ignores the first friend he made, ignores the hurt look in her eyes, and starts hanging out with a group of boys who likes to push other kids because it’s funny. This way, his dad will be proud of him.

☐☐☐

Evan is fourteen when he realises that maybe the way he looks at Ryan isn’t how you’re supposed to look at your friends. He doesn’t know who to talk to, because Maddie already left for college, and what if Ryan doesn’t understand and leave him. It takes him two weeks to gather the courage to go to his dad. He still remembers the conversation he had with him about girls, but they never talk about boys, so it should be good.

He waits for him at the end of the day, preparing something to eat because he knows his dad is always in a better mood when he has a nice meal waiting for him when he comes back from work. Evan is still young, and his sister didn’t teach him a lot before leaving, so he keeps it simple with pasta and some meat he can reheat in the microwave.

His father gets home way later than he should, doesn’t say anything, and goes to the kitchen to eat. Evan is used to it by now, knows he can’t hope for a thank you, because his dad already does so much for him that a meal doesn’t mean anything. He goes to sit at the table with him, takes a deep breath and starts:

“Hey, dad. Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, son.” There’s a pause, and then, “Next time you want to cook something for me, make sure it’s still hot when I get here.”

Evan doesn’t say that he thought he would be here sooner, doesn’t try to argue, only nod to show that he understands. “So, you know how you said that I can’t like girls because they just want to ruin us?” He keeps an eye on how his father reacts, but for now, everything seems normal. He continues, “What if it wasn’t a girl?”

“What do you mean, Evan? You know I hate it when you talk like that. Say what you want to say, don’t try to stall.”

“What if I like a boy? Would it be okay then?” He regrets it as soon as the words are out, as soon as he sees his father lift a hand. The slap hurts more than he thought it would, and he can’t help the tears that are trying to escape his eyes.

“Don’t be silly, boy. Men don’t cry, so you better get a hold of yourself.” He doesn’t ask if he’s okay, only continues to eat while talking, “Now, I don’t want to ever hear you say something like that again, you understand? You can’t like boys, that’s just ridiculous. My son will not end up like one of these people that think it’s okay to like something so disgusting.”

Evan thinks that’s going to be the end of it. He knows now that Ryan will never be more than a friend, that he needs to stop feeling what he feels, because if his dad says that it’s wrong to think something like that, then it must be true. He makes a move to stand up to go to his room, but the looks in his father’s eyes stops him.

“Now, Evan. I think you’re old enough to start going out with girls. Don’t look at me like that, I’m not talking about a girlfriend. Maybe if you have some fun with a couple of girls, it will keep you on track and you’ll stop thinking about other people.”

He’s not sure he wants to know what this means, but he has a feeling that he doesn’t have a choice. He’s stuck in his chair, listening as his dad gives him what he thinks is a lesson about sex, about how he needs to be careful if he doesn’t want to get stuck with a little brat, but that he shouldn’t limit his option to only one girl.

The day after, he goes back to school, ignores Ryan and the feelings that are there everything time he feels his presence, and starts talking to a girl that’s a year above him who seems interested. This way, his dad will be proud of him.

☐☐☐

Evan is eighteen when he decides that he wants to leave Hershey. He’s just finished school, doesn’t have many friends, and his father is drinking more and more every day. He waits a couple of weeks, continues working at the little corner store to have as much money as possible and doesn’t say anything to anyone. One day, while his dad is working, he packs his car with all the clothes and things he has, which isn’t much, and start driving. Philadelphia seems like a good idea and is far enough that there’s not much risk of seeing someone he knows.

He finds a small apartment with three other guys and start working in a little bookstore near the community college campus. He spends his first year in Philly working and going out with his roommates, sleeping with so many girls that he can’t remember all of them. He’s not sure why he’s still doing it. After all, his father isn’t there anymore to tell him that he’s too nice and that he needs to man up, but at this point, he doesn’t know how to act any other way.

☐☐☐

Evan is nineteen when he enrolls in community college. There’s a Building Science program in Philly that looks interesting, and it’s better than doing nothing. Around campus, everyone knows him as the guy who’s at all the parties and that will sleep with anyone asking. He knows he attractive, and he learned how to use it to his advantage. Girls don’t want to date him, they want a night of pure pleasure and no hard feeling the morning after. Evan doesn’t have a problem with that, he’s happy to help even. That way, he doesn’t have to talk about himself and he still has a good time.

The only person he talks to his Jack, one of his roommates. He tells him about his dad, about Maddie and how much he misses her, about how he’s not sure what he wants to do after college. Jack is nice, listens to him without judgment and in a way, he reminds him of Ryan. One night, when Evan his drunk and sad, he almost kisses him. He’s leaning towards him, and Jack doesn’t look like he would mind, but then he hears his father’s words and stops himself. The morning after, he acts like nothing happened and they never talk about it. He’s grateful, because he doesn’t want to lose Jack like he lost Ryan.

That week, he goes out and finds a different girl every night. He feels bad about it, and he can see that Jack is disappointed in him, but at least he feels like his father would be proud of him. That’s what’s important, right? He’s not so sure anymore. That Friday, he comes back to the apartment and asks all the guys if they can call him Buck instead of Evan from now on. His name is only a reminder of all the things he does wrong, of how his dad would say it with distaste every time he addressed him.

☐☐☐

Buck is twenty-two and he doesn’t know what to do with his life, so when Jack asks him to go to Mexico with him for the summer, he doesn’t even hesitate. He finds a job as a bartender and everything is good for a while. He still sleeps around, but he doesn’t feel as obligated as he did while he was in Pennsylvania.

One night, during one of his shift, a guy at the bar start flirting with and he doesn’t stop him. He ends up going back to his place and they sleep together. It feels so good and so right in the moment, but then, once it’s done, he’s so ashamed of himself that he ends up puking in the bathroom. Maybe his father was right, maybe two men really shouldn’t be together.

He tries again a couple of weeks later, but this time it’s a threesome. He rationalizes that, if they’re a girl there, then it’s not totally wrong. It’s okay at the beginning, but he realises that the more they get into it, the more he forgets about the girl that’s there with them, because the guy’s hands on him feels so much better. That night also ends up with him on his knees in front of the toilet, and maybe he should stick with girls.

He wants to talk to Jack about it, but he’s so afraid of his reaction that he keeps to himself and forgets about it. The rest of the summer is spent between work and parties, similar to their first year living together. And when it’s time to go back to Philly, Buck decides to stay in Mexico, because it’s not like someone is waiting for him.

☐☐☐

Buck is twenty-four when he receives the call. His dad is sick, probably only has a couple of weeks left and he wants to see him. He doesn’t want to go, but he’s already such a disappointment in his father’s eyes that he forces himself to get on the plane and go back to Hershey. He wants to hope that Maddie will also be there, but he knows that that would be a silly thing to do.

Even lying in a hospital bed, his father is able to look down on him. He will never be good enough. He stays by his side to keep up appearances, but it’s the worst week of his life. All the process he thought he did in Mexico is forgotten.

The day after his death, he signs up in the Navy Seal. He can’t handle how he’s feeling, he just want to  _ stop _ feeling. Everything is going good, the training is hard, but he knows he can do it. He passes all the tests, he’s almost there, finally doing something right for once, but then they tell him that he’s too emotional. It’s so ironic that he almost wants to laugh. All his life, he got told to man up, only for his emotions to get in the way once again? He wants to laugh, and then he gets so pissed that he drops off. He’s tired of people telling him how to act. 

With nothing left to do, he leaves for California on a whim and starts doing research on what it takes to become a firefighter.

☐☐☐

Buck is twenty-six and he’s been at the 118 for four months. He likes the team, they’re nice to him and they keep saying they’re a family. It’s such a foreign concept that he’s not sure how to feel about it. Bobby helps him get used to everything and becomes his mentor. Chimney is the funniest guy he’s ever met and it helps him at the beginning when he’s awkward around everyone because he’s not used to so many people. Hen reminds him of his sister, and she makes him feels safe. He’s taken aback when he learns that she’s married to another woman, but he gets past it quickly. For one, because he knows that she would kick his ass for even thinking about saying something against it, but also because he wants to change.

He knows now that what his dad taught him about women and relationships was really messed up and that he needs to forget everything about it if he wants to become a better person, but he also knows it’s going to be a difficult journey. He still sleeps with too many women, because it’s easier to keep up this bad boy image than to talk about his feelings. He’s getting better, even got a girlfriend for a while. He’s still trying to not think about how other men makes him feels, but it’s getting harder the more time passes. He’s tired of pretending.

☐☐☐

Buck is twenty-seven when he meets Eddie Diaz, and it changes his life.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this was supposed to only be around a thousand words, and only one part, but it turned into a whole backstory of Buck. The second part should be posted in a couple of days max, and will be full of Buddie and fluff. 
> 
> While you wait, if you liked this, maybe think about leaving a comment. This is the first thing I've even written, and English isn't my first language, so constructive criticism would be highly appreciated and it could really help me get better at writing future stories.
> 
> Also, if I forgot to tag something, don't hesitate to tell me.


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